PREQUEL TO ADVOCACY LETTER
Here’s the backstory for the advocacy letter I’m about to share. People with disabilities and Autism (or including Autism) can be especially vulnerable at workshops and places that are deemed “safe containers” but are not really inclusive or safe.
Spaces such as as new age meditations and even some business conferences that consider themselves “inclusive” because they are open to all gender and sexual preferences need to also be Neuroinclusive or it is not truly an inclusive space. Inclusive spaces welcome and include all people, all abilities and this is often forgotten when workshop facilitators attempt to create a safe space.
From my personal experience I’ve written a letter describing methodologies to make safety and inclusivity possible for all abilities, and describe what went wrong with a supposedly safe container at a recent workshop retreat.
I could not fully participate in the retreat due to disability, long ago injuries and chronic pain, and because of my sensory overload and energy overload due to Autism and being a Highly Sensitive Person. I chose to participate to the best of my abilities by having conversations outside of class individually with several people, which was less overwhelming for me, as well as participating to the best of my abilities in only certain events, doing only certain physical exercises, and watching others from the sidelines.
At this retreat I was outcast and eventually booted from my accomodation, and told “You’re either in or out”. I was criticized because of my inability to fully participate, I was held accountable for rules that I was not communicated that did not apply to all participants, and I was scapegoated for being the one who made the container “unsafe”, when the safe container is the job of the facilitator, not me.
I was criticized for my “indecisiveness”, which can be a trait or expression of Autism, as is decision fatigue and cognitive and executive impairment, especially when in overload or burnout (which I definitely was with a group of 40 people, new surroundings, and even just trying to figure out where everything was in the kitchen so I could eat!). Although I have been a facilitator many times for safe spaces, and taught many workshops on consent and boundaries, I was not hired as a facilitator in this journey. I did end up showing up in my own way as an inclusion and boundaries educator through sharing the words in this letter, and individual conversations with participants, although no one paid me for it. I am doing my best to not be attached as to others’ responses to this letter or whether they read it. But writing and sending it was a very important part of my journey. I hope that you glean some inspiration from it.
It should be noted I wrote this letter to the retreat facilitator responsible for creating a safe space, and in it I discuss reasons why inclusion for all abilities as well as consent and boundaries conversations are so vital to workshop attendees feeling welcome and safe.
I did not include any names, and the facilitator in the workshop who was responsible for holding space, knows who I’m talking about in the inferences without directly targeting them and saying so and so… they’re wrong. Most of what I address in here is directly related to this facilitator’s behavior towards me. I also think it’s important to mention that the main facilitator that I’m addressing in the letter is a physical therapist who treats Ehlers-Danlos, a rare condition found commonly in people with Autism. We had a long conversation about some of my disabilities the day before the retreat, and she’s the one who actually told me about it. This doctor of physical therapy is not only someone I thought I could trust, and confided in, but someone that I wanted to be the person to help heal my body that I’ve been looking for for a long time. There is disappointment on many levels, but I also didn’t hold her to treating me like a patient/client during the retreat because it was a separate event, and it was a separate container. And while I did my best to honor her, and the space that she needed to facilitate without asking for too much personal attention, I actually didn’t completely honor my own needs and boundaries.
I hope sharing this letter encourages and supports you in being an advocate in a way that feels safe for you, especially when you’re being drawn and guided to by spirit or your intuition. Apologies if my content is found offensive or hurtful, that is not my intention and we’re all doing the best we can. Many blessings and Thanks for being you.
ADVOCACY LETTER FOR INCLUSION AND BOUNDARIES
First I would like to acknowledge you for your contribution to the space, and for calling me into the workshop.
I did not receive a feedback form.
I hope that you do not disregard all of this feedback based on personal biases, triggers, or disagreement with some of it. And that you find some value in it, or some honor in listening and receiving a different perspective.
This feedback email will probably not make me “liked“, but this is not my goal, it is my role to stand in my personal integrity, and stand for and advocate for people who cannot advocate for themselves, and to make a path for those going forward who would have needs that would not otherwise met, and to invite you to help pave the path for more inclusive containers, if you choose to be a part of that journey.
I’ve done some deep reflection work on what occurred at the workshop.
I realized I was being scapegoated, as being the one who made the container “unsafe”, when the safety of a container is the job of the facilitators. And if there was believed to be a violation of boundaries, that’s something that should be directly approached and discussed in a kind and compassionate manner rather with the persons involved rather than projecting and blaming. I was the one who felt so uncomfortable that I had to approach the staff to ask why. Unstated boundaries were never even relayed to me, ie staying out of the kitchen and the community spaces if not paying for the workshop day, but yet I was held accountable for not respecting them, and even had intense feelings and comments thrown at me because of this, all while I was trying my hardest to follow rules. If there are community boundaries, they should have been relayed to everyone equitably, which I will discuss as well. If people are impatient, triggered, feel like a failure because they can’t control the situation, or their personal preference Is a particular decisive neurotype, that is not for me to fix or change. But it’s also not for me to receive blame for, as there was no wrongdoing on my part, and I am not responsible for peoples reactions and triggers.
I was even gaslit that my needs and feelings were unreasonable and invalid, as were my observations of the behaviors of the group.
When in actuality, my needs for an accessible event, were reasonable and were not met. A number of creative solutions could have made the event more accessible to many. My needs for an event that welcomes people of all abilities to participate and play in whatever way they could that felt safe and good for them, were not met. I have heard reports of people feeling like they did not belong and people feeling that they did not feel safe, and these had nothing to do with me, as a proper container needs to be set initially in a workshop setting.
A boundary and consent conversation needs to be held initially in order to help all people to feel safe, Before physical or energetic boundaries are violated. Encouraging people to have boundaries, and guiding them how to communicate boundaries especially if they will need them in this setting, are some ways to create a safe space. Also allowing and creating the space for people to self-care, and feeling safe to do so is also an essential part of a safe container.
If a personal introduction was needed in order to “accept me” into the container then it should be a standard introduction for all that are entering the container late or in a uniquely abled way, across the board, not to Spotlight me.
I also know that favoritism, exceptions, and special privileges were applied in this container to some but not all. Some people were allowed to take single workshops and partial days and others were not. Perhaps they knew the facilitator, but if these exceptions were made to the rules, then why would they not be offered to a person in need of an accommodation? An accommodation based on need, rather than Who you know?
It sounds like the rules were changed midstream when I was told Monday that no longer can people take individual workshops. The options to participate in the events and workshops open to the community by donation, were also not offered to me.
It is not clear whether this workshop/retreat had an intention to represent the value of equity or equality, but I hope that it integrates this going forward.
When facilitators are under resourced or overwhelmed, focused on the financials, or distracted by their inner noise, they can lose sight of prioritizing integrity in a workshop, and the clarity of the container that they initially intended to provide.
Although this was roughly addressed in a conversation, I think it important to have the opportunity to express further my thoughts on the accommodation. Regardless of how “fully” they attend or participate, a facilitator could pause and think before putting their attendees out on the street and potentially hitchhiking with luggage due to a last minute upheaval of accommodation, especially when breaking the agreement of what was agreed upon an hour before.
Another example of this not being a safe container is a volunteer getting angry and aggressive in tone, and projecting them at an attendee who was asking for help. A selection of volunteers and a training of volunteers with clear boundaries and united intentions, so that they are in service to the container, not acting out personal triggers, would help to create a safer container for all. Volunteers also represent the brand, but what is your brand? And what level of integrity do you want to represent?
If facilitators or volunteers are losing their temper, and projecting things at attendees, methodology need to be grossly reviewed and rewritten, as well as self check-ins.
Attendees are there to work on their inner world, and it doesn’t mean that stuff doesn’t come up for facilitators as well. But how can an attendee really feel safe to grow, if there’s so much going on out of integrity in the container.
Integrity is at the forefront of a safe container. The container will not slip, if the people do not. And the attendees trust the container. And if they do slip out of integrity, they call themselves out on it and repair the container.
To be a compassionate space holder and human being, one could realize that people perceive and experience life differently, and also process information differently. What may appear as “indecisiveness” could actually be that a person lacks the information and other things they require in order to make clear choices. Every single brain operates differently, and every person’s experience comes through the looking glass of their experiences before that. It does not make a person bad or worse than you because they think and perceive the world differently. Intolerance is the toxicity of the world. It is an individual choice in every moment as to whether you want to contribute to that. Can you tolerate difference? Every space holder must decide whether they want to facilitate a space where difference is ignored, tolerated or embraced.
Going forward I would love to see all events be inclusive, of all abilities, cultures, races, genders, and sexual preferences, with a safe container set clearly at the beginning and held throughout, and transformed as needed, and healthy & clearly outlined boundaries that everyone are aware of and agree to. As well as suggestions given for attendees as to how to communicate individual boundaries and respect others’. Then one person does not have different rules than others unless it’s a special accommodation, and there are not rules that are unsaid that some but not others are aware of.
This retreat was not a safe place for me, and whether others speak up that they felt the same way or not, I stand for those who may not have the courage or capability to speak up. And I stand for me.