Abuse of Disabled in a Retreat – Why inclusion and boundaries are needed to be safe

PREQUEL TO ADVOCACY LETTER

Here’s the backstory for the advocacy letter I’m about to share. People with disabilities and Autism (or including Autism) can be especially vulnerable at workshops and places that are deemed “safe containers” but are not really inclusive or safe.

Spaces such as as new age meditations and even some business conferences that consider themselves “inclusive” because they are open to all gender and sexual preferences need to also be Neuroinclusive or it is not truly an inclusive space. Inclusive spaces welcome and include all people, all abilities and this is often forgotten when workshop facilitators attempt to create a safe space.

From my personal experience I’ve written a letter describing methodologies to make safety and inclusivity possible for all abilities, and describe what went wrong with a supposedly safe container at a recent workshop retreat.

I could not fully participate in the retreat due to disability, long ago injuries and chronic pain, and because of my sensory overload and energy overload due to Autism and being a Highly Sensitive Person. I chose to participate to the best of my abilities by having conversations outside of class individually with several people, which was less overwhelming for me, as well as participating to the best of my abilities in only certain events, doing only certain physical exercises, and watching others from the sidelines.

At this retreat I was outcast and eventually booted from my accomodation, and told “You’re either in or out”. I was criticized because of my inability to fully participate, I was held accountable for rules that I was not communicated that did not apply to all participants, and I was scapegoated for being the one who made the container “unsafe”, when the safe container is the job of the facilitator, not me.

I was criticized for my “indecisiveness”, which can be a trait or expression of Autism, as is decision fatigue and cognitive and executive impairment, especially when in overload or burnout (which I definitely was with a group of 40 people, new surroundings, and even just trying to figure out where everything was in the kitchen so I could eat!). Although I have been a facilitator many times for safe spaces, and taught many workshops on consent and boundaries, I was not hired as a facilitator in this journey. I did end up showing up in my own way as an inclusion and boundaries educator through sharing the words in this letter, and individual conversations with participants, although no one paid me for it. I am doing my best to not be attached as to others’ responses to this letter or whether they read it. But writing and sending it was a very important part of my journey. I hope that you glean some inspiration from it.

It should be noted I wrote this letter to the retreat facilitator responsible for creating a safe space, and in it I discuss reasons why inclusion for all abilities as well as consent and boundaries conversations are so vital to workshop attendees feeling welcome and safe.

I did not include any names, and the facilitator in the workshop who was responsible for holding space, knows who I’m talking about in the inferences without directly targeting them and saying so and so… they’re wrong. Most of what I address in here is directly related to this facilitator’s behavior towards me. I also think it’s important to mention that the main facilitator that I’m addressing in the letter is a physical therapist who treats Ehlers-Danlos, a rare condition found commonly in people with Autism. We had a long conversation about some of my disabilities the day before the retreat, and she’s the one who actually told me about it. This doctor of physical therapy is not only someone I thought I could trust, and confided in, but someone that I wanted to be the person to help heal my body that I’ve been looking for for a long time. There is disappointment on many levels, but I also didn’t hold her to treating me like a patient/client during the retreat because it was a separate event, and it was a separate container. And while I did my best to honor her, and the space that she needed to facilitate without asking for too much personal attention, I actually didn’t completely honor my own needs and boundaries.

I hope sharing this letter encourages and supports you in being an advocate in a way that feels safe for you, especially when you’re being drawn and guided to by spirit or your intuition. Apologies if my content is found offensive or hurtful, that is not my intention and we’re all doing the best we can. Many blessings and Thanks for being you.

ADVOCACY LETTER FOR INCLUSION AND BOUNDARIES

First I would like to acknowledge you for your contribution to the space, and for calling me into the workshop. 

I did not receive a feedback form. 

I hope that you do not disregard all of this feedback based on personal biases, triggers, or disagreement with some of it. And that you find some value in it, or some honor in listening and receiving a different perspective.

This feedback email will probably not make me “liked“, but this is not my goal, it is my role to stand in my personal integrity, and stand for and advocate for people who cannot advocate for themselves, and to make a path for those going forward who would have needs that would not otherwise met, and to invite you to help pave the path for more inclusive containers, if you choose to be a part of that journey.

I’ve done some deep reflection work on what occurred at the workshop.

I realized I was being scapegoated, as being the one who made the container “unsafe”, when the safety of a container is the job of the facilitators. And if there was believed to be a violation of boundaries, that’s something that should be directly approached and discussed in a kind and compassionate manner rather with the persons involved rather than projecting and blaming. I was the one who felt so uncomfortable that I had to approach the staff to ask why. Unstated boundaries were never even relayed to me, ie staying out of the kitchen and the community spaces if not paying for the workshop day, but yet I was held accountable for not respecting them, and even had intense feelings and comments thrown at me because of this, all while I was trying my hardest to follow rules. If there are community boundaries, they should have been relayed to everyone equitably, which I will discuss as well. If people are impatient, triggered, feel like a failure because they can’t control the situation, or their personal preference Is a particular decisive neurotype, that is not for me to fix or change. But it’s also not for me to receive blame for, as there was no wrongdoing on my part, and I am not responsible for peoples reactions and triggers.

I was even gaslit that my needs and feelings were unreasonable and invalid, as were my observations of the behaviors of the group.

When in actuality, my needs for an accessible event, were reasonable and were not met. A number of creative solutions could have made the event more accessible to many. My needs for an event that welcomes people of all abilities to participate and play in whatever way they could that felt safe and good for them, were not met. I have heard reports of people feeling like they did not belong and people feeling that they did not feel safe, and these had nothing to do with me, as a proper container needs to be set initially in a workshop setting. 

A boundary and consent conversation needs to be held initially in order to help all people to feel safe, Before physical or energetic boundaries are violated. Encouraging people to have boundaries, and guiding them how to communicate boundaries especially if they will need them in this setting, are some ways to create a safe space. Also allowing and creating the space for people to self-care, and feeling safe to do so is also an essential part of a safe container.

If a personal introduction was needed in order to “accept me” into the container then it should be a standard introduction for all that are entering the container late or in a uniquely abled way, across the board, not to Spotlight me.

I also know that favoritism, exceptions, and special privileges were applied in this container to some but not all. Some people were allowed to take single workshops and partial days and others were not. Perhaps they knew the facilitator, but if these exceptions were made to the rules, then why would they not be offered to a person in need of an accommodation? An accommodation based on need, rather than Who you know?

It sounds like the rules were changed midstream when I was told Monday that no longer can people take individual workshops. The options to participate in the events and workshops open to the community by donation, were also not offered to me.

It is not clear whether this workshop/retreat had an intention to represent the value of equity or equality, but I hope that it integrates this going forward.

When facilitators are under resourced or overwhelmed, focused on the financials, or distracted by their inner noise, they can lose sight of prioritizing integrity in a workshop, and the clarity of the container that they initially intended to provide.

Although this was roughly addressed in a conversation, I think it important to have the opportunity to express further my thoughts on the accommodation. Regardless of how “fully” they attend or participate, a facilitator could pause and think before putting their attendees out on the street and potentially hitchhiking with luggage due to a last minute upheaval of accommodation, especially when breaking the agreement of what was agreed upon an hour before.

Another example of this not being a safe container is a volunteer getting angry and aggressive in tone, and projecting them at an attendee who was asking for help. A selection of volunteers and a training of volunteers with clear boundaries and united intentions, so that they are in service to the container, not acting out personal triggers, would help to create a safer container for all. Volunteers also represent the brand, but what is your brand? And what level of integrity do you want to represent?

If facilitators or volunteers are losing their temper, and projecting things at attendees, methodology need to be grossly reviewed and rewritten, as well as self check-ins.

Attendees are there to work on their inner world, and it doesn’t mean that stuff doesn’t come up for facilitators as well. But how can an attendee really feel safe to grow, if there’s so much going on out of integrity in the container.

Integrity is at the forefront of a safe container. The container will not slip, if the people do not. And the attendees trust the container. And if they do slip out of integrity, they call themselves out on it and repair the container.

To be a compassionate space holder and human being, one could realize that people perceive and experience life differently, and also process information differently. What may appear as “indecisiveness” could actually be that a person lacks the information and other things they require in order to make clear choices. Every single brain operates differently, and every person’s experience comes through the looking glass of their experiences before that. It does not make a person bad or worse than you because they think and perceive the world differently. Intolerance is the toxicity of the world. It is an individual choice in every moment as to whether you want to contribute to that. Can you tolerate difference? Every space holder must decide whether they want to facilitate a space where difference is ignored, tolerated or embraced.

Going forward I would love to see all events be inclusive, of all abilities, cultures, races, genders, and sexual preferences, with a safe container set clearly at the beginning and held throughout, and transformed as needed, and healthy & clearly outlined boundaries that everyone are aware of and agree to. As well as suggestions given for attendees as to how to communicate individual boundaries and respect others’. Then one person does not have different rules than others unless it’s a special accommodation, and there are not rules that are unsaid that some but not others are aware of.

This retreat was not a safe place for me, and whether others speak up that they felt the same way or not, I stand for those who may not have the courage or capability to speak up. And I stand for me.

When Moving is All Too Much – 5 Coping Tips for Autistic, ADHD & Neurodivergent Minds

When Autistic, ADHD, and other neurodivergents move to a new home as well as a new town or community, it can be very overwhelming because they likely need to develop new skills, grounding techniques, make new connections and fulfill their usual standard quota of necessities in other ways, all while balancing the excitement of dopamine and nervousness that sometimes goes with it. You’re not alone.

Here are some of my firsthand experiences and tips the last few weeks.

1. Developing new coping techniques. I enjoyed the beach and my bathtub untilI moved up the mountain. Now I enjoy just the simple act of sitting outside in the backyard wilderness.
2. Being prepared and aware of Stimulatory overload plus your ADHD dopamine seeking behaviors may be quieted… but since every thing is new, everything is an adjustment too & it seems like a haze and to actually get a lift higher out or a release from the new experience world is a different story. If you know sensory overload is coming, you can talk your brain into it a little more, you can have your sensory items, support and whatever coping mechanisms can stay the same or you’re ready to adapt to the new environment in your neurodiverse way. And most importantly, prepare with a positive attitude but also willing to experience and accept your emotions and seeing your “limitations” as actually healthy boundaries.
3. Gathering new resources and regrouping. Without my aide, and my usual volunteers for groceries and such, I’ve taken on a lot more responsibility in self caring, and I’m doing a better job at nurturing myself. I’m also learning recovery techniques through practice and experience and feeding myself, literally. Love my microwave/convection combo! Here I require more social time, yet several things in one day can be too much. I don’t really have many physical friends in the old world, in the New World it’s just a matter of being happy with whatever social feed I get, sitting in a cafe or a conversation with my taxi driver. I’m also feeling a lot more freedom with transportation here because the para transit system is so much better! Despite some run ins with rude off the cuff drivers. I went out of the house more times in one week than I did in three months. But then I got burnt out. And reading an Instagram post on autistic burn out reminded me to stay safe. I’m giving myself a lot more Netflix and chill time, and timeouts. Although it took me three weeks to kind of get semblance of a nest together with comfy things and sensory, it makes the world of a difference, and still building. Some people have their sensory box, I have my nest or corner or closet!
4. Using new techniques to self soothe. Mine include Hof breathing techniques, box breathing, and Netflix. Watching a show that I know the characters from and who the characters were there in my previous life before the move helps me to feel familiar things and characters, even helps me to see a storyline in my own life, which in the first couple weeks was really difficult to make sense of it.
5. Staying in Gratitide. Or at least keep going back to it. I recommend to do a regular practice of something… exercise, meditation, tea and food ritual, that grounds you and helps to keep you present. Help others if you can. I got to do some sessions and hold sacred space w some people that I usually didn’t have the energy to do in the old space.

I realize this list was certainly not all congruent and clear but I believe you got the points.

I do feel like my trauma response is improving, and I’m getting better coping techniques. Still had anxiety in the night yesterday and had to soothe myself with a Netflix and chill session until I was exhausted and fell asleep at 1am. Luckily it was a cute movie that popped up called “Home”. I didn’t finish it, as I haven’t quite finished my search for home. However considering how much what I watch impacts me and takes up space in my brain and processing systems, and even affects my dreams, I’m happy it was a happy one, family friendly for the brain.

Gratitude. Thanks for listening. And Good Night.

Letter to a Neurotypical Lawyer

I struggled a lot working with LegalAid on Landlord issues in an abusive situation where my rights were being violated and my health affected. The situation finally completed this week. And now that my assigned lawyer couldn’t retaliate for me speaking up for myself as the situation has ended, I wrote him this letter to exercise my own voice, take an opportunity to educate as well as advocate for myself and neurodivergent people. It’s not perfect, but it’s my best shot and I’m proud of it. I’ve removed personal information for privacy. I hope that it’s an opportunity for us to see and be compassion for all.

…I’d like to thank you for your service and also bring an important note to light.

Last month when you said that you won’t “tolerate” my indecisiveness or me changing my mind, it was hurtful. I explained that that is part of my neurodivergence and Neurodiversity, it is part of my autism which is part of my disability. So essentially you’re saying you won’t tolerate my disability. It was disrespectful and very offensive the way that you treated me. I am not someone for you to reprimand or lash out at, and I am not intentionally causing you stress or any disrespect.

I’m hoping I can help you to see what a struggle this can be.

It can be very difficult for a person with disabilities to ask for help, and even more difficult to actually receive it – especially when they are being judged and misjudged for their style of communication or simply the way their brain interacts with the world. Different Neurotypes themselves are not disabling, It is the expectations of society and the environment the Nuero typical world has created for us and demands of us that is incapacitating, and often challenges our functionality and ability to fit in.

When we first spoke on the phone, I thought I sensed compassion and some level of understanding for my disability. I know it’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes, to imagine a world of nails on a chalkboard in surroundsound all the time.

That each phone call is exacerbating, every decision exhausting, and each unexpected noise is an assault on the senses. 

I don’t ask you to understand me, I just hope that you’ll have another opprtiunity to have compassion and patience and our interaction somehow has shed light on something new, an opportunity to see another perspective. To know that others we will come across and even be asked to help in our journeys, are living an entirely different life experience than our own. I don’t know all their struggles and I don’t know yours. I just ask for kindness and compasion and basic respect for all in this world.

Many blessings.

Anger at Autistics Being Unheard

I have been poked and prodded and ignored my whole life, and my needs have not been met.

Growing up as an undiagnosed Autistic, a lot of my needs were not seen because they were not only outside the perspective of what is expected or considered “the norm”, but also outside the realm of possibilities for most people. And even though there are probably some Nuerodivergent people in my direct family, they don’t understand themselves and therefore how could they possibly try to accommodate someone else’s needs when they haven’t recognized their own.

My guess is there’s a lot of unmet needs in society whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, and that people just don’t know themselves and aren’t honoring themselves and that’s where a lot of suffering comes through. That in conjunction with trying to conform to the main stream, suffering becomes our natural state.

And still, even after adult diagnosis, I am struggling to have my needs met. I have a voice, and I’m more articulate than most people regardless of their neurology. Yet I still struggle. I struggle getting the support and help I need, and I dare not imagine what others go through who aren’t being heard at all. It’s too painful to dive into. Every day since my diagnosis seems like it’s been a struggle to advocate for myself. My symptoms and functionality have shifted a lot over the last couple years, so my struggles may not appear the same as when I was a child, but they are rooted in the same foundation of neurology, and a different reality.

I am raging with a lust for justice, to be heard, and to help others who are suffering needlessly, I pray for those without the connection or communication to tell people what they need, or the access to the people that can support them. And I hope that my struggles were not in vain, and I hope that I suffered so others don’t have to. Let there be purpose snd potential in all of this. Let my words alleviate their suffering.

Let this be heard. Ring true.

Writing about Autism

It has been my great pleasure to be a writer and to write about Autism, from an Autistic point of view. Not knowing when I initially became an author that I was autistic, it’s very interesting to see how my perspective on a lot of things have changed. While I used to focus on different topics for advocacy, I was always writing for Empowerment. Now instead of writing about the vulnerability of my relationships and personal life, I write vulnerably about my disabilities and unique abilities. Yet the topics still center around reclaiming after shame, and creating voices for the voiceless, or at least those who were entrained that they had no voice at all.

Society has shamed us around our bodies, our minds and our free will. And with powerful words and intentions, and deep commitment to love ourselves, we are making waves of change.

I also noticed now I am more confident in my voice through my writing, more wise and put together. I also care less about artistic “flaws“ and I like to go in the speed of the moment and the spur of the moment. I trust the divine, and the divine coming through.

I do feel like my target audience is even more niche than it was before, and I also feel more connected to the LGBT freedoms and have since opened my eyes even more about gender.

I wouldn’t say one type of advocacy work I’ve done is more important than the other.

I feel more confident in my writing skills, but also in my artistic freedom and part of that is my divine freedom and will. I can write something that maybe makes no sense but I feel like it’s perfect to me. And I don’t mind sharing it as is, because in that exact moment it was birthed as it was meant to be.

I do feel a little shy in general about sharing my work, because it feels so vulnerable and personal to me. Especially since I’m not “out” as being disabled to most of my family and community. I do feel like I am filtering myself more now, to be more politically correct and accepting of all people, and trying to be mindful of what could trigger people’s trauma, rather than being loud and audacious and saying things to trigger people out of their set ways. Some of it feels over-the-top, but I’m adjusting to a new environment and a New World of advocating for people advocating for each other.

I’m being more sensitive, to an even more sensitive audience, as I myself feel like my sensitivities have had outbursts and feelings that are so powerful since my diagnosis.

When we’re communicating to the autism community, we’re communicating to a traumatized people. Not to be a bummer, but it’s the truth of the matter.

I hope that my work is somewhat meaningful for someone, because I remember even one person who read my book and told me that it made a difference in their life and inspired them, helped me to feel a level of fulfillment and grace.

Thank you. For reading.

Do All Autistics Have to Love All Autistics

Recently in a blog “My Caregivers Betrayal: Abandoning the Neurodivergent Mind” I talked about my experience with multiple neurodivergent (some undiagnosed) caregivers leaving me, and the emotional turmoil and self doubt it caused me. These are my follow up thoughts…

I presumed once adult diagnosed as Autistic, that you would find any Autistic in a room, magically lock eyes, and just KNOW that you were each other’s people! And you were instantly liked and accepted by each other and into the Tribe. But it just wasn’t like that. And not only because so many Autistics struggle with eye contact.

There’s a heck a lot of Autistic and Neurodivergent people that Trigger me, partly because of my own ND, and that’s oK. It’s not that all Autistic people should like all Autistic people, it’s that we can respect and on some level understand Autistic people, usually more than neurotypical people can. In fact, most of my caregivers have been Highly Sensitive, and that usually means also empathic too, and I believe that some of them were undiagnosed. According to my favorite ND book “The Divergent Mind” Jenara Neremberg actually places “HSPs” or Highly Sensitive People, in a classification of Neurodivergence. Not to project, but I myself was a highly sensitive person working as a caregiver when I was an undiagnosed Autistic.

Perhaps, working with me, some of the ND caregivers began to realize that, and move away from what they could see that they could be. I imagine it’s like if you have a speech challenge, and you hang out with someone who has a more prominent speech divergence, you are  who you hang out with… and therefore, you might run away and avoid this person with the more defined speech impediment, to not become more like them, and out of subconscious or conscious fear of how much they remind you of yourself!

I realized that just because I have love for community, it doesn’t mean that I myself can even tolerate each and every one of us.

And that just means even within our tribe, we all have unique sensory and other needs and a unique point of attraction, to meet our needs. What and whom we are attracted to that better suits us and aligns with our vibration and our needs, is going to differ from time to time. 

That doesn’t make us bad, or wrong, or the other person bad, or wrong. It just is. We all have our preferences. What makes us magic, is having compassion for each of ours and others’ differences, even if it’s someone being neurotypical or “ableist”. And what makes us magic is when we can grow and evolve in harmony together, within our tribe, And outside. Thanks for being an advocate and also an example of self-respect, and on the growth path of knowing yourself, and me!

Much Love, again.

Apologies for anyone I’ve offended with my piece and my peace, and anyone I might have mislabeled or any prejudice that was perceived, this was not intended, but may be unavoidable in the human domain.

My Caregivers Betrayal: Abandoning the Neurodivergent Mind

I’m just so fricckin angry. 

Angry at the world and how it works, and angry at myself.

I had a super stressful week navigating a traumatizing relationship with my landlord, deadlines, and contracts, AND attorneys. All which are triggering… and being forced to make decisions under time crunches without enough data (I love me some data and answers to the “what ifs”) while my own attorney is being “ableist” (even though I don’t like the term I’ll use that here). You can’t say that you were afraid of having a nervous breakdown, you can’t say that you were in the tub hoping you didn’t accidentally drown yourself with your subconscious mind, and you can’t say that your brain was already telling you you were dead, because you and the world already caused you to be at maximum capacity, and then poured a little gasoline on the fire.

I just don’t know how people handle it.

Being in this body, being in this world. 

I always had a challenge most of my existence, feeling like I was from this world, that I belonged, or that I was home. However, I developed coping techniques, and things were hidden, and I was ableist perhaps, to be able to hide them, until the last two years. 

My sensory went off the rails on the rollercoaster at the kiddie park. Except it landed in an adult world, where you clearly were not wanted, and some people wished you weren’t even here.

The reality of it is, that you are loved, you are understood, and you are held by the Divine in ways that are not seen and not known. I had to realize this too… over and over again. And I’m learning still.

But through all of this week, I was having a miniature meltdown on Friday, while my caregiver was here. I would say miniature, because have you even SEEN a meltdown lady? You don’t even KNOW. 

My caregiver is a person in her late 20s but has been doing this work for some years. I know she’s neurodivergent and has her own challenges managing stress, and probably emotions too. So when I was melting down, she did not have the life experience, the emotional fortitude, or trauma training to be able to cope. All while my nervous system was fighting for the last brain cell to survive, I  worried that she wasn’t enjoying herself or having a good time.  That she wasn’t enjoying her work.

I knew it, in advance, it was coming, and the same day she quit… on me. It feels like she quit on me, that she gave up on me. She liked me before, the last two times, when I was more functional and alive, even a little fun. A little disorganized, a little discombobulated. But now… Done.

She’s just done with me.

Because she can’t handle herself.

And it’s not my fault. I knew my emotional trauma must have been impacting her. But there was nothing I could do but check in with her, which was a lot to even do, and really out of my capacity. She said she was fine, but then dropped me, and dropped a line to her boss a few hours later.

The difficulty is that the second caregiver they put me with I cannot stand. Not to be ageist, but she’s flighty not because she’s unintelligent, but I think it’s a factor of age. And I end up cleaning up after her, because she’s forgetful and whatever else is going on in her system. I understand. And a lot of people who suffer want to help others so they suffer less. I get it. It’s just annoying to me. And I’m Allowed to be Annoyed! I don’t have to always keep my emotions under wraps & in “control!”

The caregiver person who I liked so much, who I related to so well, left me like its hot… out of hell… and the person I’m left with I can barely tolerate. 

Would I want to work with myself?

I ask myself, If I was a caregiver, and I have been a caregiver before, I just couldn’t cope with it where I am now. See my upcoming blog “Do All Autistics Have to Love All Autistics?” It’s interesting being on the other side, and how shameful it initially felt needing that kind of support, but that’s a story for another day.

This is where I am today, calling all cars… calling in the people in my life that I barely know, but are willing to help me, once again. 

Calling all cars.

Help me to get my shit together, so I can move out of this hellish relationship, this house where the dynamic has brought me to a place that I am so exacerbated and cognitively challenged, and my symptoms and expressions are so heightened that I’m not only scaring others away, and turning them off from wanting to work with me, or even wanting to communicate with me, including my own lawyer (who chided me for my indecisiveness and inability to keep to his set deadline… all traits of Neurodivergence). This is the 5^th caregiver who has left for one reason or another, but the only one I can take as personal.

You start thinking, is it ME?

Have I scared these people off?

Or is the world just not equipped?

Am I not equipped to handle this World.

Even though this caregiver’s departure seemed due to my overstimulation and meltdown, and I can easily choose to take it personally, I’m choosing not to. As it was really about her reaction to my reaction to the trauma I’d been incurring, and her inability to complexly handle it. I’d like to say it’s Never about You… but when you are taking time and energy away from your friend’s busy wedding planning because you need special accommodations and to know enough so you feel safe enough to come, then it is about you, and your coping and managing skills. This was also happening to me today so I’m bringing it in as a side note. 

Needing and asking for accomodations to do the things that are easy and normalized for many but not all others is not a BAD thing, you need the attention you need and deserve, in order to make life easier for you and everyone. So that you can choose to participate in Life. Would you tell someone in a walker to feel guilty about needing a wheelchair ramp? Our disabilities as neurodivergent minds, often with other challenges and unique abilities, are often invisible, but it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be validated. The ability to have compassion for all divergences and diversities, whether you can relate or whether you agree with their beliefs or not, is not beyond our level of expansion. I have hope for humanity. And for those who don’t have hope.

The more I am in trauma, I see the trauma patterns affecting me and I need more higher grade, higher octane caregivers and trauma therapists, and support staff… it really it takes a village (or a staff) to raise me up, not just one person at this point. I also see more people opting out from being a part of my life, when I show this part of me that is less “functional” and needs a lot of help. You’d think that a caregiver, of all people, would be the one you could let it all go in front of, that would hold you up… but not so much if they are incapacitated themselves or just sensitive too. PEOPLE are not trained to work with or relate to or collaborate with disabled or uniquely abled people. We don’t live in a society in the western world where functional and communication differences are even acceptable, never mind accepted. But this all has to change.

So part of my move forward, is moving to a place and surrounding myself with new people, people that are more compassionate and accepting and aware of neurodivergence, and are building community where people with disabilities are  welcome. Not just tolerated, but accepted. 

I’ve in connection with community leaders who are working to build sustainable supportive communities for Neurodivergent people, do you know anyone who has land or resources to help us build? 

And my message to you is:

Love you all. Love yourself!

Happy Vagina Day!… The New Meaning of Valentine’s Day

February 14th was the day I commemorated the first One Billion Rising event with Eve Ensler in NYC at the place where it all began, life itself of course, in the Vagina. Or at least it was where the Vagina Monologues began…

I later came to play the Dominatrix who thought Orgasm was the spice of life in the Westchester New York version, directed by a college former boss and friend.

And was she a Boss… but not that kind. She is an Amazing Creatrix and Leader. I admire her so. Too bad she’s too busy running politics that she hasn’t checked her FB for a few years! That promised call never came. But I supported her in the long running, as much as I could, until I was running…into another state… of being.

Regardless, we’re here today to talk about Vagina.

I “have one”, some would say I “am one”… not a Vagina but hey you are what you eat. I mean, you embody the Vagina, the sacred embodiment that is, the Mother of all Creation and we are… and we Are One. One creature, one creatrix, one Creation, regardless of our genitals or lack thereof.

I texted a new friend of mine “Happy Vagina Day” and could hardly wait for his reply. He supported me today with a call when I was making some tuff decisions and also probably making some Stuff up.. in my head. Like we always do. We think a problem is way bigger or harder than It is.. and sometimes we wish it was way bigger or harder than it is… Yes I mean exactly that.

Anyway, back to the Vagina, or lack thereof. Don’t we all wish we had one, we crave whereth the mother came from… where we all landed on this Earth, on this belly, flat on our ass, to the mother sky. Ohm. Mother Sky. Mother Why.

What are the characteristics of your writing today, your flow, your know, what Do ya know?

I say, love your Vagina, even if you ain’t got one, even if your mother rejected or abandoned you, even if you rejected yourself.

You are the only one to create the sacred womb from which you came.

And to quote about Vagina Love, or motherly Love, a passage from another piece of mine:

“The urging to go home, is so strong.
Yet the urging is really a nurturing, a longing to be held by the divine mother. Her love so pure. Unconditional acceptance that we cannot give ourselves.

Just to be held.

Because our mothers, and the mothers behind us, and this is not a sin,

Even as they did love us, they cannot control the Divine, they cannot succumb to it, until they first, succumb to themselves. And not presence unimaginable, but the utterance of true form. The trueness, the trueness, the utterance of all things. One breath. One knowing. One. Empty.“

Ahh the stereotypical “Valentines Day”, I used to really fall for that shit. I used to want romance, and soak it in like bubbles from Dumbo, gurgle gurgle, pop pop. Now it’s not even something I hope for in my reality. It seems so Far removed from my daily life and existence.

If I’m lucky I get a crush, and move on. I am so focused on my spiritual journey, and honestly, survival. Adaptation. How to adapt my world to me, as best I can, in minor ways, whatever’s possible, and creating a suitable world.. hopefully a fun world for me. If I believe I can have that, deserve that.

I don’t believe I can manifest a life partner, or a family at the snap of my fingers, especially since I’ve wanted it so bad, for so long, Hate to admit it.  It is rare that I find someone, even on the same page! The same galaxy. But it is So Very Special. And I get to guide others who believe they are from a distant universe, to feel like they too belong.

So on this Vday, I’d like to acknowledge you.

Romance is everywhere, it is in the trees, it is in the cloud patterns that fly, and it is between the earth, and you and I.

So today on this Vday, Victorious may you be, in aligning with your deepest desires, or destiny. Victorious may you be, in loving yourself, and every moment to the fullest way of being, and Victorious may you be, in making it whatever the Hell you want it to be.