Rape in Romance Novels: Nora Roberts “From the Heart” Review

Trigger Warning: Sexual abuse. Violence against Women.

Romance novels such as Nora Roberts’ “From the Heart” perpetuate the endless cycle of rape culture by not acknowledging the severity and significance of sexual abuse and it’s impact on all women, including its readers. Not only the women themselves, but their loved ones of any gender, and their future loved relations can all be impacted by experiences with sexual trauma. It can impact and even impede future love relationships from happening at all. That’s why romance novels can be such a source of safety and escape from the perils of what many women have experienced. But is it a safe place for women to go?

From the 2 books I’ve read from Nora Roberts, “The Awakening” and “The Becoming” I really enjoyed her writing style and especially the fantasy. She’s known more for her romance novels, 225 of them to be exact. She’s an award winning author with a career of over 40 years. I would say she’s one of the most popular romance novelists with the baby boomers, and is still churning, and evolving.

When I first started reading the book in “From the Heart” titled “Tonight and Always”, I loved the smoothness, the sweetness, and how the characters took so quickly to one another without so much of the push and pull other romance novels can have. There was an element of surrender on both parts, and growth. However, when I got to the end of the novel, I was grossly disappointed, and I mean grossly.

Spoiler Alert. The male love lead angrily shows up and rapes his female lover because she’s left him and he doesn’t know why. She eventually surrenders and “gives him this”, feeling bad for what she’s done by leaving. In the morning, he sees the bruises and feels remorse, acknowledging later that he has to carry this for the rest of his life. The female lead however, never needs to forgive him, or even acknowledges the impact of what he’s done, because the plot instead focuses around the hurt his mother caused her by blackmailing her to leave him in the first place. That’s what she’s focused on, rather than that the man she trusted and loved her betrayed her and bruised her while boning her senseless. She immediately within a few minutes of the conversation when he tracks her down and finds her again (not creepy at all) forgives him and just pages later in the epilogue they are happy together at Christmas as a family, WTF?

Nevermind that the twin babies they have are probably a result of the rape, knowing that rapists don’t often use birth control when raping their partners, even those they later say they “loved”.

I noticed in the scene where the victim tells her grandfather why she’s upset they broke up, that she doesn’t mention that the last time she saw her lover was when he left after raping her. What makes this ok?

Because if Nora did write this in, the protective grandfather who raised her and was her savior would have gone beserk instead of encouraging them to get back together.

It looks like this novel was initially published in 1983, and re-released as part of “From the Heart” marketed as a collection of three of Nora’s favorite stories, dated 2010 in Amazon. Nothing like an unacknowledged rape swept under the carpet to meet my personal favorites list. “Three timeless romances… this collection will appeal to a new generation of Nora Roberts fans.” (Goodreads.com) Yes, it looks like this was written in the 80s, but that’s no excuse to re-release it without making morally aligned changes. Rape was not okay then, and it’s not okay now. If it was meant to be a period piece, or a social commentary on the times, it should be marketed as such. And who exactly is this new generation of patriarchal feminists that will Love reading rape in Romance novels? I’m surprised to see them in the fan club. Rape may have been more culturally acceptable in the 80s, but it’s shameful that it still is. Thanks for making one more safe place for women unwelcome.

That’s the problem with not just “society” at large, but each individual contributing to this culture by making it “okay”, by not saying anything when signs of rape culture are in front of our eyes, or even coming from our own lips. People let others remarks slip by without saying anything. They are so unconscious they might not even pause themselves and realize their words, “Oh that’s wrong”. A majority don’t stop to question a condescending, sexist, or violent joke, “What did you mean by that comment?” Or stop to question the “normalcy” of the media around them, and that which their kids are infused with and digesting. “Did you notice how that woman was sexually harassed on that episode, and not one person in the office acted like anything was wrong?”

If no one stops to point out that things are not okay, then this constant cycle of abuse will continue to be perpetuated, and it moves from generation to generation, making it “okay” to treat women with violence, even to the point of women not only accepting it themselves, but expecting it from the world.

Rape and sexual violence against women is so normalized in society that even female authors are  pre-programmed to accept and perpetuate it. Somehow female authors don’t think violence against women is something that needs to be addressed and acknowledge to promote an atmosphere and culture of respect for all women, and to honor and help heal the survivors of domestic and sexual violence that are likely a majority of their readers. Not only can reading about sexual violence without a warning can be triggering, but also re-traumatizing. It can have the effect to make what a survivor experienced seem “okay”, or unimportant. It’s not validating their experiences and can become another form of subliminal gaslighting. Any woman’s sexual experience is something that should be honored and acknowledged.

Romance novels whose readers are a majority of women, are a conduit for what can be beautiful healing, for their self love, and to see what a beautiful, sexually fulfilling and healthy relationship with themselves, or a partner could look like. Women have options, and not every romance novel or type of sex presented in romance novels, are going to be their flavor, but that’s for them to choose. Normalizing rape and sexual violence against women in romance novels, and not providing Trigger Warnings for novels where violence is present, is one more way to take away women’s voices.

Rape in Romance Novels: Christina Lauren’s “Love and Other Words” Review & Social Commentary

Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence against Male. Alcohol. Grief.

Christina Lauren traditionally is known for her romance novels, and I have been reading and following their work for about a year. I was surprised and disturbed by their recent novel, “Love and Other Words” advertised as another romance novel, filled with grief, loss, unprocessed trauma, and unacknowledged rape. This rape was of a male character, which is quite rarely seen in such novels altogether, and could have been a unique opportunity for healing shame and bringing light to the cultural trauma, if it had been presented differently. You can read my letter to whatever publicity agent runs their social media account below, which acquired no response.

The main male character, was apparently so drunk at a party that he thought his girlfriend was having sex with him. The actual girlfriend walked in when both people were passed out after and thought he had “cheated”. The rapist was a female who had showed interest in him before, they had “made out” before his current relationship, but he didn’t return her feelings for him. We don’t know for sure whether she knew that he thought she was his girlfriend having sex with him, for example if he called out his girlfriend’s name, but it was pretty likely from their history that she would know that he would not consent to have sex with her, and we presume that it was obvious he was completely wasted drunk. We don’t know if any of his friends tried to stop them, doubtful, but we do know that after the fact they were very aware of what had happened, and one of them let’s call him the “homewrecker” was a bit gleeful about it. We also don’t know if they used a condom. Any pregnancy or STD risk of drunk sex was not addressed. We do know his pants were not even completely off, and he was sprawled across the bed with the girl on top of him.

The focus of the final chapters was the misconception about what happened that night that broke up the couple, and the death that happened consecutively that was knitted so closely into the same storyline. The assault itself was just brushed over, as was the fact that it was clearly a sexual assault and he couldn’t have given consent at that time.

Not only was the assault not acknowledged as rape, but handled more as “drunken sex” that was a mistake. It became the piece of the story that lead to understanding and forgiveness, because the female lead spent years believing that he had cheated on her.

It’s a classic move for women to be blamed for their rape because of what they are wearing or how much they were drinking, so I wonder if the writers would have gotten away with this under the radar, if it had been a woman who was raped, and how they would have been forced to acknowledge the emotional impact and take a side. Whose fault was it? Was it wrong or right?

I wanted to know, did the female lead have empathy or sympathy for her male lead, when she found out that he had been taken advantage of sexually? Or did she simply bypass it because she was overwhelmed by so much other trauma? Her breaking up with him seemed to impact him more than the fact that he was raped. He appeared more broken hearted than he felt violated. Or had he not even accessed these feelings around violation, if any? Did he ever have the opportunity to unpack them? How did he look at himself differently after being taken advantage of by a woman? And did he blame himself for drinking too much? Would it have been shameful to claim publicly that she did in fact rape him, and what impacts would that have had in his circle of 18 year old friends? Did he have shame because he enjoyed it, or because he didn’t?

It’s a social responsibility as an author to address the social construct and victimization that goes unacknowledged in this “romance novel”. If the material can’t be handled in a way that sheds light on the issue, and empowers the audience by handling the matter sensitively, then a different story element other than a man being raped as a convenient tie in could be used. This is not just about pointing fingers at this particular work of fiction, but at the issues it uncovers in society as a whole, giving us a reminder of what is and what is not culturally acceptable, and will easily bypass the eye of a reader who is not discerning and go automatically into their subconscious mind as one more way that violence is ok.

The Necessity of Trigger Warnings

“TW” or “Trigger Warnings” are also necessary in our current climate to be sensitive to a sensitive audience, and since a large majority of romance readers are sensitive people, it is especially vital to keep the audience feeling safe with one’s work, especially when they are accustomed to more fluffy content. A TW for a book filled with constant reminders of death and grief, and topped off by violence and rape, could have saved readers their own triggers and reliving trauma. A Trigger Warning could have included: Grief, Depression, Sudden Loss, Death, Violence, Accident, Rape. If these sound like surprising elements for a romance novel, that’s because they are, especially for Christina Lauren’s usually lighter style. Although some authors are touching upon heavier topics in their romance books such as Tracy Garvis Graves, you get to know an author’s own unique style, and “Love and Other Words” was quite a departure with no forewarning. The description of the book does not give warnings of the book’s intense content, nor does the book itself. Romance author Talia Hibbert actually includes a TW out of respect for their readers at the beginning of some of her books. A trigger warning for Christina Lauren’s book “Love and Other Words” would have given readers the choice to give consent to be faced with and immersed with these traumas, wheareas in the every day world they don’t always have that choice.

. . . . .

The Impact on Readers and Women

While 84% of romance readers are women (Huffpost.com) and the number of women who report sexual assault is much higher than men, it doesn’t mean we don’t need to be sensitive to the men as well as the women who love them. 81% of women and 43% of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime (NSVRC.com).

Since most women have experienced abuse or assault, or know a loved one who has, Trigger Warnings should be expected for content like this, especially to respect abuse survivors, those currently in abusive relationships, and those with loved ones who were/are abused. We do not know what our readers are escaping when they enter the romance fantasy land. No, we cannot tiptoe around every dynamic group of people and always precisely mind our P’s and Q’s, however putting forth one’s best effort which matches the integrity of the book writers and publishers, and the audience, is one step towards maturing as an author in the uncharted realms of sensitivity in the new age.

The Bigger Meaning: Advocacy and Change

If we stand by and say nothing when something feels so gutturally wrong to us, going against our own personal ethics, as well as the communities we stand for, and the people we love, then we let the patterns of ignorance and damaging cultural norms perpetuate. Rape has become culturally acceptable, and we are only just approaching the precipice where it is not so. Bypassing discussion around any emotional reaction to the rape itself, either from the male lead or his female partner, creates the feelings of insignificance. Because the assault was not even acknowledged as rape, it can be easily seen as unimportant, and therefore if it happened to you, it is also not important.

A Note to Readers:

I am here to tell you that you ARE seen. You are Heard. Your Voice Matters, and so do your Feelings, and so does Your Body, and so does Your Heart. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. I hope that you find forgiveness in your heart.

– – –

DIRECT LETTER TO SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT:

Letter to Christina Lauren author:

(@ChristinaLauren Instagram)

Christina and Lauren or your Team managing the account… I first found your books through Helen Hoang about a year ago and have been reading them ever since. I really enjoy most of them thumbs up! I do want to bring to your attention a concern of mine as a former domestic violence counselor and sexual empowerment educator. I recently listen to love and other words on audio. The main male character is taken advantage of sexually while drunk to the point of he doesn’t even know who he’s having sex with at a party, and the fact that this is rape was never addressed. Did he feel taken advantage of or do we just presume that men don’t mind when women have sex with them unconsciously. Did the female lead character feel empathetic to him when she realized she was taken advantage of against his will? Did he feel at fault for the sex because he was the one who got so drunk? His friends stood by? A lot of women are blamed for rape because of what they wore or because of their intoxication.

This could’ve been an opportunity to educate readers about the sexual assault of men and the shame around enjoying it or not enjoying it. Or if it was going to be brought up so vividly without being fully unboxed, there might have been another way of replacing that particular plot line

Also since most of your books are light hearted the amount of grief and death and also the rape in this one myself and other readers would have appreciated a trigger warning like Talia Hibbert does at the beginning of her books And in her book descriptions

Not only readers who had a man in their life who was raped, or perhaps mail readers who are raped themselves or a new victims of sexual assault, but also women who’ve had the female version of what happened and a drunk party happened to them is extremely common and might be very triggering to read about especially when it’s unexpected in a romance novel. Some people also Read romance novels for the positivity of it, not to have plot lines that are constantly be being reminded of death and loss, not that you can’t do this with your books of course you can do as you choose I’m just letting you know that as a reader and a fan, but this is not what was expected of your type of books, and I would have love this to be outlined in a little bit more in the description but it’s very grief centered and there is some trauma that is spoken about in the book in the least. I don’t know if it’s “appropriate” to share this type of feedback on here but I wanted to give you the opportunity to respond if you felt called to.

Also, the TW Trigger Warning allows the reader to opt out instead of being re-traumatized or bringing up old trauma. Thank you for listening.

Note: No reply from the Authors, publicity, or agent at the time I posted this blog which was a year later. I did not proofread the article, as it was too disturbing for me to read back through it again and resurface the intensity.

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Growing up Autistic with a Prison Guard Mom: How Self Discipline Incarcerated Me

TW.

My mom worked at a juvenile prison, and I learned to live in a cage. Learning from the best prison guard, and becoming one myself.

My sister once told me, you must have a lot of self control. It makes me want to scream at her, in a tone that is Out of Control, “I have Autism and I have so much self control that I have been covering up my whole life!!” But no, we are not allowed to lose control, we must be kept in check at all times. Who is “We?”

I wonder why I get so angry when I see kids running around with lack of boundaries out of control, because I WASN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT. It stirs in me my inner dominant whipping myself into shape, as a small and innocent child, tempering her play. Altering her neural pathways, programming herself as if she built the computer, hell, as if she WAS the computer, restraining herself from unadulterated joy and freedom of expression. Because that’s how it’s supposed to look…. Contained. Behaved. Under Command. That’s how Mommy wants you to be. Do as your expected. “Ya’ll better behave” rings through my tortured mind. Discipline was her life and her work.

The Inner Dom could only hinder this child’s joy so far, as the exuberant light will always show through, even in times of Suppression. Rejection. And even after mental, emotional and sensory Torture. This is the story of my Liberation.

– – –

For decades I have been hiding many of the traits and characteristics of my uniquely brilliant neurodivergent mind. I remember shutting down my sensitivities including intuition and self belief, in my pre-teen years.

I was like an Angel child who could channel pure love and light, I sang to the heavens, in church and elsewhere. But even then, I felt too much, and thy just punishment, was feeling the pressure and weight of everybody else, with no one supporting me.   

Who was there to protect me, except the embodied angels themselves?

As a teen I learned to “toughen up” but not really, I masked to fit in even more, and became even more sensitive to other people’s responses of me, including my family.

I was applauded for high grades in high school, likely due to my extreme attention to detail and hyperfocusing ability, variable short term nearly photographic memory, and excellent job at faking it. This is what I learned to focus on, getting good at school. My special interest, if I had one, was avoiding my mom’s wrath. Getting good at school, and learning the systems to prioritize this, became a technique and an adaptation in itself, something to hyperfocus on. I wouldn’t say it was something I was passionate about, but probably got a rise and a dash of dopamine. This is what would bring me approval and acceptance into my family, the tribe, the family unit, or so I thought. Let’s be honest, my traits are genetic, so my family was probably a little weird and “inappropriate” to begin with. But for some reason, I was the one that had to keep face.

My family had different expectations for my siblings. From my sister they expected discipline and authority, which she would yield over us as the junior supervisor in the absence of my authoritarian mom, and an incredible, intelligent math mind. This meant really high grades all around, although she was never as successful as I was at English and Writing. And here we are. My brother for some reason I am still protective over, despite his rebellion, and getting away with things I never would. They had lower expectations of the baby, and because he was a boy he was not pushed as hard academically.

 The men in my family are treated like the golden child, on a pedastal – of critique and yet can do no wrong.  My dad was just stereotyped as a slacker who did not like to work and was “irresponsible”, and a little of that rubbed off on my brother, who as an adult worked, but never seemed to “work hard” in his life, even when it was laborious physical labor, he was spoiled by my dad, and seemed to have things handed to him, but yet also had more control asserted on him, trying to shape him. Whereas I, after some time, just went wherever they had opened the path previously, and followed along to the inherent destiny. More of what I was “supposed to be doing”. Good grades, good college, good career. Good, as in excelling above the average. Good as in, be on your “best behaviors” and never get in trouble.

The one time I tried to rebel in my teenage life was when I was 17 after high school graduation, and I got in so much trouble for it affected my longterm outlook on life. Give the kid a break, she’s a teenager, she’s rebelling, give her some room to let her wings fly. She won’t always be under your house of “protection” but really dominance and aggression. Yet, at the same time, it was the microagressions and big aggressive energy of my mother constantly threatening to “punish” us, that kept me in check, and in a continual state of fear.  If you stepped “out of line” as she would say, even a smidgeon, you’d be sent back to the penitentiary, and the hulk would writhe.

The other time I tried to gain my independence and rebel against my mom was with my college boyfriend who ended up being abusive, so it backfired on me in my escape efforts, and also backfired on her because her efforts at having control at every aspect of my social life led me straight into the arms of a predator. Someone who if I pressed charges, could have ended up in the system, just a hair too old for juvie to sit amongst her criminals.

But what are criminals? Misguided? Mislead? Misparented?

Or the abused themselves who have become the abuser?

Did they fall through the cracks because the system is whack? Did they have malintent or was it just survival?

Did they feel so distant from their family or ostracized from society before they even committed a “crime”. Stealing to feed their family or get out of an abusive relationship, was that their Crime? I can’t say the percentage of inmates in juvie who were actually “good kids” nor am I to be the one to judge, but I would say the system is not either. How many of those kids were misguided, misjudged, or misdiagnosed? How many lacked a mentor, or the supports that they needed, whether they be support in food resources, special education in school, mental health, medical health or to get out of a DV situation? How many of them felt safe at home?… How many of them are succeeding in life now, that they have been “rehabilitated”. Have some that were angry, turned to the light? Have some healed their wounds, but carry the shackles of their experiences with them for a life time? Will they always be prisoners in their mind’s eye?

Perhaps self esteem rehabilitation and mentorship is what these now adults needed. These often disgruntled and desperate kids are now in their 50s. Have they had families? Have they passed on their traits to their kids and grandkids. Their aggression? Their terror? Has a survivor of juvie “learned a lesson” or have they just become a victim to the system?

I cannot understand the day to day experiences as a teen juvenile delinquent. I was privileged to grow up in a middle class neighborhood, to join activities in high school from 2pm to 6pm every day, and have some freedom away from my mom. Despite my home life, I had some respite after school, and despite being bullied and punished in a different way, I was fortunate to find my way.

Yet I know what it’s like not to feel safe at home. I know what it’s like to not be supported. I know the unbearable pressure of other’s expectations.

I can only imagine the mental torture and punishment incarcerated teens give themselves in their mind. Does hiding and controlling your innate neurological function and identity relate to an incarceration of a different kind? Does going through your whole life being Autistic and not knowing it become its own sentence? Subjecting you to accumulating abuse over the decades.

I am just starting to gauge the number all of this has done on my head, and how the unraveling of my true self, of my infinite and finite identity, has just begun.

Maybe it would help me be at peace, to have more control over that which is uncontrollable, if I could just meet some of the teens that my mom helped and served while they were in the system. Then I could know that there was good, that my mom made a difference, and that just punishment wasn’t useless.

The shackles my mom “jokingly” said she would use if we misbehaved, became the ominous and haunting remembrance of a missing childhood, always being on alert for what danger came next. Being triggered by the slightest inkling of getting in trouble, or stepping out of line, like an animal that would be whipped if it stepped out… like the torture I imagine ABA is to many children. Why is it that so many cultures around the world honor and hold their child’s safety as sacred, but that is something that we have not been able to wrap our heads around here?

My mom’s greatest fear was that her kids would become like her prisoners. I’d say that came true. It took me decades to escape the walls I built and the shackles she hooked onto me, but I’m more and more free from the past, and present in the now. Each moment is an act of liberation. Each time I use my voice gathers more courage, and adds more strength standing behind who I am now.

This is My liberation after incarceration.

Abuse of Disabled in a Retreat – Why inclusion and boundaries are needed to be safe

PREQUEL TO ADVOCACY LETTER

Here’s the backstory for the advocacy letter I’m about to share. People with disabilities and Autism (or including Autism) can be especially vulnerable at workshops and places that are deemed “safe containers” but are not really inclusive or safe.

Spaces such as as new age meditations and even some business conferences that consider themselves “inclusive” because they are open to all gender and sexual preferences need to also be Neuroinclusive or it is not truly an inclusive space. Inclusive spaces welcome and include all people, all abilities and this is often forgotten when workshop facilitators attempt to create a safe space.

From my personal experience I’ve written a letter describing methodologies to make safety and inclusivity possible for all abilities, and describe what went wrong with a supposedly safe container at a recent workshop retreat.

I could not fully participate in the retreat due to disability, long ago injuries and chronic pain, and because of my sensory overload and energy overload due to Autism and being a Highly Sensitive Person. I chose to participate to the best of my abilities by having conversations outside of class individually with several people, which was less overwhelming for me, as well as participating to the best of my abilities in only certain events, doing only certain physical exercises, and watching others from the sidelines.

At this retreat I was outcast and eventually booted from my accomodation, and told “You’re either in or out”. I was criticized because of my inability to fully participate, I was held accountable for rules that I was not communicated that did not apply to all participants, and I was scapegoated for being the one who made the container “unsafe”, when the safe container is the job of the facilitator, not me.

I was criticized for my “indecisiveness”, which can be a trait or expression of Autism, as is decision fatigue and cognitive and executive impairment, especially when in overload or burnout (which I definitely was with a group of 40 people, new surroundings, and even just trying to figure out where everything was in the kitchen so I could eat!). Although I have been a facilitator many times for safe spaces, and taught many workshops on consent and boundaries, I was not hired as a facilitator in this journey. I did end up showing up in my own way as an inclusion and boundaries educator through sharing the words in this letter, and individual conversations with participants, although no one paid me for it. I am doing my best to not be attached as to others’ responses to this letter or whether they read it. But writing and sending it was a very important part of my journey. I hope that you glean some inspiration from it.

It should be noted I wrote this letter to the retreat facilitator responsible for creating a safe space, and in it I discuss reasons why inclusion for all abilities as well as consent and boundaries conversations are so vital to workshop attendees feeling welcome and safe.

I did not include any names, and the facilitator in the workshop who was responsible for holding space, knows who I’m talking about in the inferences without directly targeting them and saying so and so… they’re wrong. Most of what I address in here is directly related to this facilitator’s behavior towards me. I also think it’s important to mention that the main facilitator that I’m addressing in the letter is a physical therapist who treats Ehlers-Danlos, a rare condition found commonly in people with Autism. We had a long conversation about some of my disabilities the day before the retreat, and she’s the one who actually told me about it. This doctor of physical therapy is not only someone I thought I could trust, and confided in, but someone that I wanted to be the person to help heal my body that I’ve been looking for for a long time. There is disappointment on many levels, but I also didn’t hold her to treating me like a patient/client during the retreat because it was a separate event, and it was a separate container. And while I did my best to honor her, and the space that she needed to facilitate without asking for too much personal attention, I actually didn’t completely honor my own needs and boundaries.

I hope sharing this letter encourages and supports you in being an advocate in a way that feels safe for you, especially when you’re being drawn and guided to by spirit or your intuition. Apologies if my content is found offensive or hurtful, that is not my intention and we’re all doing the best we can. Many blessings and Thanks for being you.

ADVOCACY LETTER FOR INCLUSION AND BOUNDARIES

First I would like to acknowledge you for your contribution to the space, and for calling me into the workshop. 

I did not receive a feedback form. 

I hope that you do not disregard all of this feedback based on personal biases, triggers, or disagreement with some of it. And that you find some value in it, or some honor in listening and receiving a different perspective.

This feedback email will probably not make me “liked“, but this is not my goal, it is my role to stand in my personal integrity, and stand for and advocate for people who cannot advocate for themselves, and to make a path for those going forward who would have needs that would not otherwise met, and to invite you to help pave the path for more inclusive containers, if you choose to be a part of that journey.

I’ve done some deep reflection work on what occurred at the workshop.

I realized I was being scapegoated, as being the one who made the container “unsafe”, when the safety of a container is the job of the facilitators. And if there was believed to be a violation of boundaries, that’s something that should be directly approached and discussed in a kind and compassionate manner rather with the persons involved rather than projecting and blaming. I was the one who felt so uncomfortable that I had to approach the staff to ask why. Unstated boundaries were never even relayed to me, ie staying out of the kitchen and the community spaces if not paying for the workshop day, but yet I was held accountable for not respecting them, and even had intense feelings and comments thrown at me because of this, all while I was trying my hardest to follow rules. If there are community boundaries, they should have been relayed to everyone equitably, which I will discuss as well. If people are impatient, triggered, feel like a failure because they can’t control the situation, or their personal preference Is a particular decisive neurotype, that is not for me to fix or change. But it’s also not for me to receive blame for, as there was no wrongdoing on my part, and I am not responsible for peoples reactions and triggers.

I was even gaslit that my needs and feelings were unreasonable and invalid, as were my observations of the behaviors of the group.

When in actuality, my needs for an accessible event, were reasonable and were not met. A number of creative solutions could have made the event more accessible to many. My needs for an event that welcomes people of all abilities to participate and play in whatever way they could that felt safe and good for them, were not met. I have heard reports of people feeling like they did not belong and people feeling that they did not feel safe, and these had nothing to do with me, as a proper container needs to be set initially in a workshop setting. 

A boundary and consent conversation needs to be held initially in order to help all people to feel safe, Before physical or energetic boundaries are violated. Encouraging people to have boundaries, and guiding them how to communicate boundaries especially if they will need them in this setting, are some ways to create a safe space. Also allowing and creating the space for people to self-care, and feeling safe to do so is also an essential part of a safe container.

If a personal introduction was needed in order to “accept me” into the container then it should be a standard introduction for all that are entering the container late or in a uniquely abled way, across the board, not to Spotlight me.

I also know that favoritism, exceptions, and special privileges were applied in this container to some but not all. Some people were allowed to take single workshops and partial days and others were not. Perhaps they knew the facilitator, but if these exceptions were made to the rules, then why would they not be offered to a person in need of an accommodation? An accommodation based on need, rather than Who you know?

It sounds like the rules were changed midstream when I was told Monday that no longer can people take individual workshops. The options to participate in the events and workshops open to the community by donation, were also not offered to me.

It is not clear whether this workshop/retreat had an intention to represent the value of equity or equality, but I hope that it integrates this going forward.

When facilitators are under resourced or overwhelmed, focused on the financials, or distracted by their inner noise, they can lose sight of prioritizing integrity in a workshop, and the clarity of the container that they initially intended to provide.

Although this was roughly addressed in a conversation, I think it important to have the opportunity to express further my thoughts on the accommodation. Regardless of how “fully” they attend or participate, a facilitator could pause and think before putting their attendees out on the street and potentially hitchhiking with luggage due to a last minute upheaval of accommodation, especially when breaking the agreement of what was agreed upon an hour before.

Another example of this not being a safe container is a volunteer getting angry and aggressive in tone, and projecting them at an attendee who was asking for help. A selection of volunteers and a training of volunteers with clear boundaries and united intentions, so that they are in service to the container, not acting out personal triggers, would help to create a safer container for all. Volunteers also represent the brand, but what is your brand? And what level of integrity do you want to represent?

If facilitators or volunteers are losing their temper, and projecting things at attendees, methodology need to be grossly reviewed and rewritten, as well as self check-ins.

Attendees are there to work on their inner world, and it doesn’t mean that stuff doesn’t come up for facilitators as well. But how can an attendee really feel safe to grow, if there’s so much going on out of integrity in the container.

Integrity is at the forefront of a safe container. The container will not slip, if the people do not. And the attendees trust the container. And if they do slip out of integrity, they call themselves out on it and repair the container.

To be a compassionate space holder and human being, one could realize that people perceive and experience life differently, and also process information differently. What may appear as “indecisiveness” could actually be that a person lacks the information and other things they require in order to make clear choices. Every single brain operates differently, and every person’s experience comes through the looking glass of their experiences before that. It does not make a person bad or worse than you because they think and perceive the world differently. Intolerance is the toxicity of the world. It is an individual choice in every moment as to whether you want to contribute to that. Can you tolerate difference? Every space holder must decide whether they want to facilitate a space where difference is ignored, tolerated or embraced.

Going forward I would love to see all events be inclusive, of all abilities, cultures, races, genders, and sexual preferences, with a safe container set clearly at the beginning and held throughout, and transformed as needed, and healthy & clearly outlined boundaries that everyone are aware of and agree to. As well as suggestions given for attendees as to how to communicate individual boundaries and respect others’. Then one person does not have different rules than others unless it’s a special accommodation, and there are not rules that are unsaid that some but not others are aware of.

This retreat was not a safe place for me, and whether others speak up that they felt the same way or not, I stand for those who may not have the courage or capability to speak up. And I stand for me.

When Moving is All Too Much – 5 Coping Tips for Autistic, ADHD & Neurodivergent Minds

When Autistic, ADHD, and other neurodivergents move to a new home as well as a new town or community, it can be very overwhelming because they likely need to develop new skills, grounding techniques, make new connections and fulfill their usual standard quota of necessities in other ways, all while balancing the excitement of dopamine and nervousness that sometimes goes with it. You’re not alone.

Here are some of my firsthand experiences and tips the last few weeks.

1. Developing new coping techniques. I enjoyed the beach and my bathtub untilI moved up the mountain. Now I enjoy just the simple act of sitting outside in the backyard wilderness.
2. Being prepared and aware of Stimulatory overload plus your ADHD dopamine seeking behaviors may be quieted… but since every thing is new, everything is an adjustment too & it seems like a haze and to actually get a lift higher out or a release from the new experience world is a different story. If you know sensory overload is coming, you can talk your brain into it a little more, you can have your sensory items, support and whatever coping mechanisms can stay the same or you’re ready to adapt to the new environment in your neurodiverse way. And most importantly, prepare with a positive attitude but also willing to experience and accept your emotions and seeing your “limitations” as actually healthy boundaries.
3. Gathering new resources and regrouping. Without my aide, and my usual volunteers for groceries and such, I’ve taken on a lot more responsibility in self caring, and I’m doing a better job at nurturing myself. I’m also learning recovery techniques through practice and experience and feeding myself, literally. Love my microwave/convection combo! Here I require more social time, yet several things in one day can be too much. I don’t really have many physical friends in the old world, in the New World it’s just a matter of being happy with whatever social feed I get, sitting in a cafe or a conversation with my taxi driver. I’m also feeling a lot more freedom with transportation here because the para transit system is so much better! Despite some run ins with rude off the cuff drivers. I went out of the house more times in one week than I did in three months. But then I got burnt out. And reading an Instagram post on autistic burn out reminded me to stay safe. I’m giving myself a lot more Netflix and chill time, and timeouts. Although it took me three weeks to kind of get semblance of a nest together with comfy things and sensory, it makes the world of a difference, and still building. Some people have their sensory box, I have my nest or corner or closet!
4. Using new techniques to self soothe. Mine include Hof breathing techniques, box breathing, and Netflix. Watching a show that I know the characters from and who the characters were there in my previous life before the move helps me to feel familiar things and characters, even helps me to see a storyline in my own life, which in the first couple weeks was really difficult to make sense of it.
5. Staying in Gratitide. Or at least keep going back to it. I recommend to do a regular practice of something… exercise, meditation, tea and food ritual, that grounds you and helps to keep you present. Help others if you can. I got to do some sessions and hold sacred space w some people that I usually didn’t have the energy to do in the old space.

I realize this list was certainly not all congruent and clear but I believe you got the points.

I do feel like my trauma response is improving, and I’m getting better coping techniques. Still had anxiety in the night yesterday and had to soothe myself with a Netflix and chill session until I was exhausted and fell asleep at 1am. Luckily it was a cute movie that popped up called “Home”. I didn’t finish it, as I haven’t quite finished my search for home. However considering how much what I watch impacts me and takes up space in my brain and processing systems, and even affects my dreams, I’m happy it was a happy one, family friendly for the brain.

Gratitude. Thanks for listening. And Good Night.

Letter to a Neurotypical Lawyer

I struggled a lot working with LegalAid on Landlord issues in an abusive situation where my rights were being violated and my health affected. The situation finally completed this week. And now that my assigned lawyer couldn’t retaliate for me speaking up for myself as the situation has ended, I wrote him this letter to exercise my own voice, take an opportunity to educate as well as advocate for myself and neurodivergent people. It’s not perfect, but it’s my best shot and I’m proud of it. I’ve removed personal information for privacy. I hope that it’s an opportunity for us to see and be compassion for all.

…I’d like to thank you for your service and also bring an important note to light.

Last month when you said that you won’t “tolerate” my indecisiveness or me changing my mind, it was hurtful. I explained that that is part of my neurodivergence and Neurodiversity, it is part of my autism which is part of my disability. So essentially you’re saying you won’t tolerate my disability. It was disrespectful and very offensive the way that you treated me. I am not someone for you to reprimand or lash out at, and I am not intentionally causing you stress or any disrespect.

I’m hoping I can help you to see what a struggle this can be.

It can be very difficult for a person with disabilities to ask for help, and even more difficult to actually receive it – especially when they are being judged and misjudged for their style of communication or simply the way their brain interacts with the world. Different Neurotypes themselves are not disabling, It is the expectations of society and the environment the Nuero typical world has created for us and demands of us that is incapacitating, and often challenges our functionality and ability to fit in.

When we first spoke on the phone, I thought I sensed compassion and some level of understanding for my disability. I know it’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes, to imagine a world of nails on a chalkboard in surroundsound all the time.

That each phone call is exacerbating, every decision exhausting, and each unexpected noise is an assault on the senses. 

I don’t ask you to understand me, I just hope that you’ll have another opprtiunity to have compassion and patience and our interaction somehow has shed light on something new, an opportunity to see another perspective. To know that others we will come across and even be asked to help in our journeys, are living an entirely different life experience than our own. I don’t know all their struggles and I don’t know yours. I just ask for kindness and compasion and basic respect for all in this world.

Many blessings.

Anger at Autistics Being Unheard

I have been poked and prodded and ignored my whole life, and my needs have not been met.

Growing up as an undiagnosed Autistic, a lot of my needs were not seen because they were not only outside the perspective of what is expected or considered “the norm”, but also outside the realm of possibilities for most people. And even though there are probably some Nuerodivergent people in my direct family, they don’t understand themselves and therefore how could they possibly try to accommodate someone else’s needs when they haven’t recognized their own.

My guess is there’s a lot of unmet needs in society whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, and that people just don’t know themselves and aren’t honoring themselves and that’s where a lot of suffering comes through. That in conjunction with trying to conform to the main stream, suffering becomes our natural state.

And still, even after adult diagnosis, I am struggling to have my needs met. I have a voice, and I’m more articulate than most people regardless of their neurology. Yet I still struggle. I struggle getting the support and help I need, and I dare not imagine what others go through who aren’t being heard at all. It’s too painful to dive into. Every day since my diagnosis seems like it’s been a struggle to advocate for myself. My symptoms and functionality have shifted a lot over the last couple years, so my struggles may not appear the same as when I was a child, but they are rooted in the same foundation of neurology, and a different reality.

I am raging with a lust for justice, to be heard, and to help others who are suffering needlessly, I pray for those without the connection or communication to tell people what they need, or the access to the people that can support them. And I hope that my struggles were not in vain, and I hope that I suffered so others don’t have to. Let there be purpose snd potential in all of this. Let my words alleviate their suffering.

Let this be heard. Ring true.

Writing about Autism

It has been my great pleasure to be a writer and to write about Autism, from an Autistic point of view. Not knowing when I initially became an author that I was autistic, it’s very interesting to see how my perspective on a lot of things have changed. While I used to focus on different topics for advocacy, I was always writing for Empowerment. Now instead of writing about the vulnerability of my relationships and personal life, I write vulnerably about my disabilities and unique abilities. Yet the topics still center around reclaiming after shame, and creating voices for the voiceless, or at least those who were entrained that they had no voice at all.

Society has shamed us around our bodies, our minds and our free will. And with powerful words and intentions, and deep commitment to love ourselves, we are making waves of change.

I also noticed now I am more confident in my voice through my writing, more wise and put together. I also care less about artistic “flaws“ and I like to go in the speed of the moment and the spur of the moment. I trust the divine, and the divine coming through.

I do feel like my target audience is even more niche than it was before, and I also feel more connected to the LGBT freedoms and have since opened my eyes even more about gender.

I wouldn’t say one type of advocacy work I’ve done is more important than the other.

I feel more confident in my writing skills, but also in my artistic freedom and part of that is my divine freedom and will. I can write something that maybe makes no sense but I feel like it’s perfect to me. And I don’t mind sharing it as is, because in that exact moment it was birthed as it was meant to be.

I do feel a little shy in general about sharing my work, because it feels so vulnerable and personal to me. Especially since I’m not “out” as being disabled to most of my family and community. I do feel like I am filtering myself more now, to be more politically correct and accepting of all people, and trying to be mindful of what could trigger people’s trauma, rather than being loud and audacious and saying things to trigger people out of their set ways. Some of it feels over-the-top, but I’m adjusting to a new environment and a New World of advocating for people advocating for each other.

I’m being more sensitive, to an even more sensitive audience, as I myself feel like my sensitivities have had outbursts and feelings that are so powerful since my diagnosis.

When we’re communicating to the autism community, we’re communicating to a traumatized people. Not to be a bummer, but it’s the truth of the matter.

I hope that my work is somewhat meaningful for someone, because I remember even one person who read my book and told me that it made a difference in their life and inspired them, helped me to feel a level of fulfillment and grace.

Thank you. For reading.

Do All Autistics Have to Love All Autistics

Recently in a blog “My Caregivers Betrayal: Abandoning the Neurodivergent Mind” I talked about my experience with multiple neurodivergent (some undiagnosed) caregivers leaving me, and the emotional turmoil and self doubt it caused me. These are my follow up thoughts…

I presumed once adult diagnosed as Autistic, that you would find any Autistic in a room, magically lock eyes, and just KNOW that you were each other’s people! And you were instantly liked and accepted by each other and into the Tribe. But it just wasn’t like that. And not only because so many Autistics struggle with eye contact.

There’s a heck a lot of Autistic and Neurodivergent people that Trigger me, partly because of my own ND, and that’s oK. It’s not that all Autistic people should like all Autistic people, it’s that we can respect and on some level understand Autistic people, usually more than neurotypical people can. In fact, most of my caregivers have been Highly Sensitive, and that usually means also empathic too, and I believe that some of them were undiagnosed. According to my favorite ND book “The Divergent Mind” Jenara Neremberg actually places “HSPs” or Highly Sensitive People, in a classification of Neurodivergence. Not to project, but I myself was a highly sensitive person working as a caregiver when I was an undiagnosed Autistic.

Perhaps, working with me, some of the ND caregivers began to realize that, and move away from what they could see that they could be. I imagine it’s like if you have a speech challenge, and you hang out with someone who has a more prominent speech divergence, you are  who you hang out with… and therefore, you might run away and avoid this person with the more defined speech impediment, to not become more like them, and out of subconscious or conscious fear of how much they remind you of yourself!

I realized that just because I have love for community, it doesn’t mean that I myself can even tolerate each and every one of us.

And that just means even within our tribe, we all have unique sensory and other needs and a unique point of attraction, to meet our needs. What and whom we are attracted to that better suits us and aligns with our vibration and our needs, is going to differ from time to time. 

That doesn’t make us bad, or wrong, or the other person bad, or wrong. It just is. We all have our preferences. What makes us magic, is having compassion for each of ours and others’ differences, even if it’s someone being neurotypical or “ableist”. And what makes us magic is when we can grow and evolve in harmony together, within our tribe, And outside. Thanks for being an advocate and also an example of self-respect, and on the growth path of knowing yourself, and me!

Much Love, again.

Apologies for anyone I’ve offended with my piece and my peace, and anyone I might have mislabeled or any prejudice that was perceived, this was not intended, but may be unavoidable in the human domain.